That I had no intention of writing this today, on Resurrection Sunday, is a testament to the largesse and specificity of God. It is my hope that if you were led to this post, you too will grab ahold of the lifeline God is extending in this hour.
I teach my church’s primary Sabbath School on the weekends. Yesterday, the lesson was on ‘seventy times seven’, that is, the number of times we are to forgive someone who has wronged us. (Scripture reference is found in Matthew 18: 21 – 22). I am very sensitive to the subject of forgiveness because God has dealt stringently with me in the past about this. If I notice the word “forgiveness” coming up a lot, I check in with God and with my heart. Just in case. This was what I did before I taught my kids but since nothing surfaced, I went forward with a clear conscience. In other words, I didn’t think the lesson applied to me. Until this morning…
I am way behind on my Sabbath School quarterly. As in, a whole, laughable month behind. But when I read the Scripture for March 4th — Isaiah 53 — the intentionality of God was so evident. I continued on to March 6th and 7th which referenced Isaiah 55. It was a chapter I’d read before and I felt I knew what God was saying to me there. Then I read the lesson’s synopsis:
“Suppose you took food and stood on the street in a big city and announced to the hungry and homeless there: “you who have no money, come, buy and eat!” (NIV). But how can they buy if they have no money?
However, if you add the words, as Isaiah did: “without money and without price” (Isaiah 55:1, NRSV), the point becomes clearer. Isaiah appeals to people to accept forgiveness freely. Yet, the word “buy” emphasizes that what God offers people to meet their needs and desires is valuable; so, receiving it requires a transaction (transfer of something of worth). God freely offers forgiveness within the framework of a restored covenant relation with His people, but not because it was free for Him: He bought it at the terrible, blood-drenched price of His own Servant. Though free, it came at an astonishing cost to Himself.”
If you read this blog at all, you know that I lost my father a few years ago. Additional challenges followed almost immediately after and I got stuck mentally and emotionally. A friend helped me see that the secret to starting over was to forgive myself.
2020 brought another loss. No, it wasn’t death but it might as well as have been. I won’t get into the details but I was heartbroken and in my brokenness, I broke communion with God. Rather than reaching for His grace, I tried to prove that I didn’t need it. If I could just fix my mistake, God and I would be “good.”
[Aside: Before 2020, there was a part of me that didn’t really understand grace. I believed that grace was, among many other things, the power to obey, continue, remain and endure. I felt that many had cheapened grace by always needing it… because they wouldn’t come out of habitual sin. I didn’t want to be that person so I did my best not to need it. I had a genuine desire to please God but it was mixed with a lot of works. This will only make sense to a few but that’s okay.Naturally, God tried to steer me to His solution but I didn’t deeply consider His words. And I mean He TRIED. He was waking me up at 2am to talk to me, He giving me direction during prayer, suggesting books, the Holy Spirit was stern with me, you name it. I wrote down all of His guidance… and went right back to commending myself to Him.]
Yesterday, I called the same friend who’d helped me get unstuck in the past. As she spoke truth, things clicked into place. “Oluchi,” she said, “you have to shut out all the other booty voices😂 and hear His voice.”
This morning, I heard His voice clearly. I was in need of forgiveness again but this time, I needed His forgiveness. I needed to receive and accept it, not cerebrally or as a verbal confession, but with my heart. As far as God was concerned my mistake in 2020 didn’t exist. I needed to believe it.
I guess I should’ve paid more attention to the lesson I was teaching my kids the day before. I remember asking them why it was important to receive God’s forgiveness and one child responded, “because it makes you feel secure. And loved.” Imagine that. The answer, right in front of my face but I missed it.
This Easter, the cross became personal. Mistakes, failures, sin, iniquity, etc. make us hide from God, seek our own solutions and reject every overture He makes towards reconciliation. Forgiveness then, is a form of His grace that once received, restores peace, strength, confidence and security. And receiving it often doesn’t make it cheap. In fact, constantly applying the cross to our lives is the only way to live.
If you’re reading this today and you’re trying to get unstuck, I want you to know that God is saying, “I am offering you a new life and a fresh start with me. Take it. It is free. You don’t have to strive, beg or prove your worthiness. Take it so we can start over. Take it so that you can come home.”
Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith will not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32